How Society Conditions Introverts to Reject their Very Nature
Recently, I was researching topics about introversion. Knowing a lot of introverts feel introversion is something they need to overcome (it's not!), I googled the phrase "how to overcome introversion."
Over 700,000 results returned, with ALL advising you to speak up more, be more social, don't spend so much time on your own (or at home), etc.
As I scanned the articles, I became angry! These misguided writers were advising introverts to go against their very nature! This is the exact opposite of what introverts need to do!
I couldn't help but think...
"Why is introversion something you need to overcome?! No one tells extroverts to overcome that!".
So, then I was curious about what would return if I searched "how to overcome extroversion."
To my surprise, over 1 million hits returned (I honestly thought I'd break the internet!). But then I started to look at the articles.
There was nothing about how to overcome extroversion. On the contrary, it was all aimed at how to become MORE extroverted!!
What makes me irate is the underlying conditioning that's so prevalent in these results: Introversion is bad/undesirable. Extroversion is good/desirable.
It implies there's only one right way to live, succeed, be accepted, or be worthy. And we see this reinforced in how our society is designed, from the over-emphasis on group work in schools to the open office floor plans in corporate America.
The lifelong conditioning of introverts encourages them to reject their very nature in favor of living in a way that is completely out of alignment with their nervous system.
Let's talk about social conditioning...
Social conditioning is training people to believe certain beliefs (that may or may not be true), which in turn causes them to think and act following what society accepts. This conditioning begins at birth and continues throughout life.
Social conditioning creates boxes everyone tries to fit into because you believe there is no alternative - "it's just the way things are." There's no room to reject or disagree because this conditioning from birth means you accept it as truth.
Therefore, it colors your perspective on how you view the world, what you believe about others, and what you think about yourself.
You believe these to be true even if they're incorrect and harmful because you've never seen an alternative.
Growing up, parents, teachers, TV shows, movies, books, and religion perpetuate this myth. It provides guardrails around what's acceptable and what's not. And these messages are reinforced through constant reminders (direct and indirect).
Society rewards those who conform to the expectations and punishes or rejects those who don't. It only provides ONE way to be, ONE way to do things.
When you hear these messages over and over and see others rewarded for conforming with no alternative, you accept the conditioning - even if it's incorrect - as the truth...reality. Challenging it means risking judgment or rejection.
Social conditioning happens in all areas of life: diet culture, how women are supposed to act, what success means, what it means to be a good or bad parent, etc.
Anytime you hear "you should..." you're likely walking into some social conditioning because, again, it provides the "rules" around what's acceptable or unacceptable.
How society misunderstands introverts (and thus conditions us)
If you're an introvert, it's no surprise that we live in an extrovert-biased society. Schools, workplaces, social groups, etc., prize extrovert attributes: being loud, lots of talking, frequent socializing and parties, and being the center of attention.
You only need to look at social media to see this in action! The extroverts are tripping over themselves to attract the most attention!
The general, uninformed belief about introversion is that introverts are:
Awkward
Shy
Loners
Anti-social
Boring
Rude
Unfriendly
Stuck up
Not talkative
Bad at communication or talking with others
Lonely
Sad/depressed
Not good with people
But, NONE of these characteristics relate to introversion, nor are they unique to introverts. I can easily rattle off a list of boring, unfriendly, and rude extroverts! And just because you can talk a lot does NOT mean you're good with people.
Introversion and extroversion are simply about where you source and refill your energy. That's it!
Extroverts gain energy from being around other people. Introverts source their energy by spending time alone. But that doesn't mean introverts are loners; they just need time on their own to recharge their batteries.
It also doesn't mean introverts don't like people. They just don't have the energetic capacity to be around people 24/7.
The impact of social conditioning on introverts
Since there's a general lack of understanding regarding introversion, introverts never understand their independent nature, and the desire to be on their own is entirely natural. Instead, they learn the opposite - that it's undesirable and needs overcoming.
Unfortunately, most introverts don't realize they're introverted until they're an adult, and even then, they view it as a disadvantage given the years of conditioning that has nurtured this belief.
Growing up without the insight of being an introvert and understanding what that means meant growing up feeling like an outsider and "weird."
You agree to more social events than you can handle, but you force yourself to deal with them to be accepted by others. You ignore your need for alone time because you don't want to appear as a loser or ruin your chances of being included in the future.
So, you live your entire life pretending to be something you're not because of the conditioning that who you are is innately wrong. By the time you realize you're an introvert, you're so trained to see these characteristics as undesirable that you consider it a disadvantage. You fail to see the benefits of being an introvert (because there are plenty, believe me!).
Also, your confidence and self-worth are non-existent or situational; you only feel good about yourself when you're in situations that allow you to be yourself.
You deny who you are not only to others but to yourself. And you think that's just the way it is. So, you don't know how to speak up for your needs because others don't understand your nature and make you feel guilty for being who you are.
My ex-boyfriend would accuse me of not wanting to spend time with him when I needed to spend time with myself. He never understood that it wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with him; I just needed to spend time with ME. So, it became more challenging to get the time I needed because even when I finally had to insist, I couldn't enjoy it because I felt so guilty for being an "uncaring" girlfriend (when in reality, he was the one being uncaring!).
For introverts, to break this cycle and reclaim your power, you have to decondition yourself to untangle the web of lies that's been holding you back from your greatest asset...your introversion.
4 Steps to decondition yourself as an introvert
When you embrace your introverted nature and feel confident being yourself (in all situations), you no longer worry if others will reject or judge you.
When that happens, you begin to quietly thrive, unapologetically.
To start this process, you must decondition yourself from all the lies that have told you that you need to change who you are and reject your very nature.
STEP #1: CHALLENGE WHAT YOU THINK IS TRUE FOR YOU AS AN INTROVERT
Despite the world telling you there's one way to live, run your business, be in relationships, etc., you don't have to do things like extroverts do. You do NOT have to be the center of attention, talk to everyone, go to all the parties, etc.If you're a biz owner, when it comes to social media, you don't have to be on there every single day! You don't have to dance and point and be ridiculous to attract attention.
A key thing to embrace as an introvert is that being introverted doesn't make you weird, awkward, or a loser.
STEP #2: LEARN WHAT INTROVERSION MEANS
One of the gifts of being introverted is that you're likely very curious and love to learn. It's time to use that to your advantage and explore what it means to be an introvert versus what society has incorrectly taught you. This will allow you to drop the self-judgment and finally feel good about who you are.There are many resources to help with this, including my blog, Facebook groups specifically for introverts, and the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain.
STEP #3: CONNECT WITH YOUR INTROVERT GIFTS
There are MANY gifts that come with being an introvert - learn about those, then explore your own gifts.When you see what makes you awesome because of your introversion, you naturally lean into those gifts instead of rejecting them in favor of pretending to be something you're not. This builds your confidence in who you are and your conviction to be who you are.
STEP #4: WORK ON BUILDING YOUR CONFIDENCE
Confidence comes from taking action. But, not just any action; actions based on:- What feels good to you
- What honors your nature
- What amplifies your gifts
The more aligned action you take, the more your confidence grows.
When you understand who you are and feel comfortable and confident in your own skin, you'll feel more empowered to do things your way. Then, you can implement boundaries to honor who you are.
When it comes to living your life on your terms, dropping the fake extrovert facade, and quietly thriving, you have to start by giving yourself permission to be you. Be your own advocate for what you need to feel refreshed, happy, and aligned.
When you stand up for yourself and what you need or desire, you experience a level of personal freedom that you might not have ever imagined was possible.
As your knowledge of what introversion means expands and your confidence grows, don't be afraid to educate others! The only way to decondition society of these toxic beliefs around introversion is to speak up and share the actual truth.
My mission is to inspire and empower introverts everywhere to quietly thrive, unapologetically. If you want to explore what it's like to step into this place, I invite you to explore working with me! Schedule a complimentary, no-obligation call, and together, we'll discuss ways to help you fall in love with who you are, as-is, and maximize your gifts, so you thrive!