7 Tips to Make Friends as an Introvert
As a kid, I remember meeting other kids in my neighborhood or school and always finding a few where we hit things off and became fast friends.
As an introvert, I never had a huge circle of friends. I didn't need it or want it because I preferred those few friends that understood me since we shared so much in common.
One benefit of being an introvert is that we connect deeply with people. So while we have a smaller social circle, those within it tend to be those deeper, more meaningful relationships.
In fact, some of the friends I made in childhood are still friends of mine today! But, given I now live 1,000 miles away from where I grew up, I've had to learn how to make new friends.
Making friends as an adult isn't all that easy, right? But, as you hit different stages of life, new opportunities present themselves to expand your social circle.
Maybe you've moved to a new city, or you're a new empty-nester. Perhaps you've recently become single, or you're changing careers. Whatever the transition you eventually find yourself in, you'll likely want like-minded souls for support and kinship.
Even without a significant life change, you may simply want to be around people who get you on a deeper level.
But, everyone's plate is overflowing, and spending time with new people doesn't necessarily make it to the top of the priority list for many people, right?
And being an introvert can make it feel even more challenging! But, it becomes easier when you approach making friends in an introvert-friendly way, which means you find those deeper connections that should stand the test of time.
Introverts prefer to look for people open to something beyond a superficial connection when making friends.
But, finding those you sync with can feel challenging as an introvert!
"Where do I meet new people?"
"How do I start a conversation with someone to see if they're interesting?"
"What do I talk about?"
"How do I take it to the next step? Will they think I'm weird?"
You may even feel exhausted before you try! Being around people can be draining for introverts, so having to go out and socialize when you prefer to Netflix and chill while wearing your ratty sweatpants can feel daunting.
But, if you want to expand your circle of close, they-get-me-to-my-core friends, then it's worth putting in some effort to make those connections!
Managing your energy will be imperative, but recognizing how to find and nurture these relationships in a way that honors your introverted nature is the key to your success.
What happens when you find YOUR way to connect with others
Let me share a little story to show you what can happen when you discover your way of meeting and connecting with others.
One of my clients came to me feeling like several key things were missing in her personal life. She was freshly out of a relationship and having moved to a new city in the middle of the pandemic, she felt lonely without a supportive circle of friends.
As we started working together, I noticed she harshly judged herself, with the main criticism being that she saw herself as not interesting. In addition, like most introverts, she didn't consider herself good at small talk, so she struggled to feel confident talking with new people.
Despite that, she wasn't afraid to attend local meetups and events to try to meet people! But, she typically walked away disappointed in herself and wondering why she couldn't be more like the others who could effortlessly and endlessly talk about anything under the sun.
She felt she needed to change who she was to create the friendships she desired, so her goal was to become more exciting and talkative. She saw that as her ticket to the active social life she thought would fix everything!
As we met weekly for her coaching sessions, she'd share her latest activity or event, then feel frustrated that she couldn't be more open and engaging.
Over time, I worked with her on her self-image and her confidence. She tried different types of activities and events. Slowly, she began to recognize that she wasn't uninteresting! And instead of constantly comparing herself to others (and coming up short!), she began to question that inner bully because she could now see beyond those false stories.
So, one day she came into our call visibly excited!
She had attended a few events the previous weekend and had a blast! She was able to be herself, and conversation flowed easily!
As we talked about what had changed, the primary difference was the type of event she attended. In the past, most of her socializing had been group dinners with strangers. But, this event was a sports activity.
She found as she played games and goofed around in the parking lot afterward that she didn't feel any pressure and could start connecting with others easily. But, when they all gathered for dinner after the game, she noticed that she slipped right back into her usual quiet, doubtful, awkward self.
With this awareness, she recognized that she didn't actually enjoy having dinner with a group that she didn't know well.
This insight was a gift worth celebrating! Because she just uncovered a strategy for making friends that worked like gangbusters for HER! Sporty activities and goofing around at an outdoor event allowed her to be authentic, allowing the walls to come down and her confidence to flood in.
Going to group dinners before having established some deeper connections didn't allow for this side of her to emerge and felt very difficult for her!
Going forward, she applied this insight when she made plans to meet new people, and everything became much easier and more fun! She also didn't beat herself up or feel like a failure! Instead, she felt at ease and confident!
The lesson in this story is that what may work for others may not work for you, and vice versa. But, when you only allow yourself to see one way (which is typically the "extrovert way" because you've been conditioned that way throughout your life!), it's easy to see your shortcomings and judge yourself harshly, leading you to believe what you desire isn't possible for you.
So, let's look at some introvert-friendly tips to make friends as an introvert!
7 Tips to Make Friends as an Introvert
TIP 1: DO WHAT YOU LOVE
When you engage in activities you love, it's easier to be yourself. You don't need to pretend to be someone that you're not. Also, you'll meet other like-minded people who enjoy similar activities! This makes it easier to have conversations early in the process because you're already meeting on equal ground. You can start by discussing this shared interest, which builds a rapport and eventually makes it easier to transition into more meaningful conversations.TIP 2: STOP JUDGING YOURSELF
It's very easy to judge yourself relative to an "ideal" image of who you think you should be, but understand this image isn't as ideal as you imagine. If you're not used to putting yourself out there, talking about yourself, and meeting new people, you must embrace being imperfect because you're learning! So, release the need to be perfect or polished! Also, stop doubting yourself or feeling like no one will like you! This takes time, but as you make new friends, your confidence will grow (I promise!).TIP 3: GET PAST THE SMALL TALK
Small talk is every introvert's worst nightmare! It feels like getting caught in quicksand, and you can't escape. The key to avoiding small talk is to take charge of the conversation and intentionally move it into something more meaningful. Pay attention when they talk and ask targeted questions to steer the conversation into something more interesting. This is where you'll be able to see if they're friend material or not! And if you need help with this, grab my free workbook - The Art of Navigating Small Talk - to hone your skills (linked at the bottom of this post!).TIP 4: DON'T RUSH
Friendships take time to build, especially the deeper type that introverts prefer! You're going for the long game, not a quick sprint. Pace yourself in the early stages to protect your energy and honor the flow of the developing friendship. It will naturally unfold if the other person's energy aligns with yours. Allow it to have some space to breathe.TIP 5: EMBRACE YOUR QUIET INTROVERTED NATURE
It may take practice to feel comfortable talking about yourself if you're not comfortable being in the spotlight. Embrace that discomfort and allow yourself to play in this space! It also helps to be okay with your quiet nature. Don't feel you're at a disadvantage or fake being more outgoing. When you get caught up in feeling you have to be something you're not, you block your ability just to be yourself. Own your quiet nature because you become more relaxed, open, and approachable when you're confident. Conversations are easier when you're not questioning your every word or move.TIP 6: FOCUS ON 1:1 INTERACTIONS OR SMALL GROUPS
It probably comes as no surprise, but smaller groups are better suited for introverts. It's easier to find your footing and be active in the conversations because it's less intimidating when there are fewer people. So, look for smaller events or those that allow for one-to-one interactions. A large social gathering, party, or dinner may not be the best for being yourself and finding others to engage in deeper conversations. And if you find a connection with someone you meet, don't hesitate to suggest meeting for coffee or dinner soon!TIP 7: USE YOUR INTROVERTED SKILLS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE
Introverts possess numerous qualities that help them excel in connecting with others which you can use to your advantage. In particular, introverts tend to be great listeners, and due to their natural curiosity, they love to ask questions to keep the attention off themselves. Lean into these skills to engage others and explore their story so you can discover what you have in common. Not only does this keep the pressure off of you, but it also makes the other person feel very seen and heard.It gets easier with practice
In summary, don't try to do it like an extrovert when it comes to making new friends as an introvert! Instead, lean into what feels aligned to you, go slow, and be willing to feel a little awkward.
The awkwardness and self-doubt will diminish over time as you get more practice. As your confidence grows and you learn to enjoy the process, you become more magnetic and will naturally attract those who feel an energetic connection with you!
In the meantime, if you'd like to sharpen your skills in becoming a better conversationalist by skipping the mind-numbing small talk stage, then be sure to grab your free copy of The Art of Navigating Small Talk workbook!
