Why It’s Time to Remove the Fake Extrovert Mask
I talk a lot about how societal conditioning favors the extrovert ideal and puts introverts on the defense for their entire lives (well, until they become wise to what's happening and take matters into their own hands!).
For most introverts, feeling like they are at a disadvantage, that it's easier for extroverts, or that there's only one way to be successful in this world are all manifestations of this conditioning.
And if you believe any of those to be true, guess what you end up doing?
Every day, before going out into the world, you securely slide the fake extrovert mask in place, so you're acceptable to those around you. But, unfortunately, your mask may fit so comfortably that you may not even realize you're wearing one!
But wearing this mask means you spend your life in perpetual imposter syndrome mode because you're simply faking who you are and praying no one discovers the truth.
As a coach for introverts, it saddens me when I hear clients (or potential clients!) tell me they feel at a disadvantage because that tells me they're disconnected from their strengths. It also means they're unaware of their superpower, which I believe is securely rooted in your introversion!
That's why in today's post, I want to unpack the cycle of conditioning that keeps introverts from fully accepting, loving, and embodying their introverted nature (which is when you begin to thrive!).
Where it all begins…
Introverts are born with different brain chemistry than extroverts. That is not a bad thing or something that needs to be "fixed."
Everyone falls somewhere on the introvert-extrovert scale, and no one is a "pure" introvert or extrovert. That means everyone has elements of both introversion AND extroversion!
This is why introverts DO enjoy socializing with others, and extroverts need alone time to recharge. The amount of socializing vs. alone time differs between introverts and extroverts and determines where you land on the spectrum. But, again, there is no "good" or "bad" side to that spectrum.
Unfortunately, going back several generations, the extrovert "ideal" began to be prized and preferred by society. That meant schools pushed students to be more outgoing and social. Conversely, teachers criticized introverts for their quiet nature (ever get the "needs to participate more in class" note on your report cards growing up! I sure did!).
Organizations, social clubs, families, schools, pop culture, etc., were ALL influenced by this one-sided belief that being an extrovert was the "better" way.
To put this in perspective, I compare this to how once upon a time, left-handed children were forced to write with their right hands in school because there was a limited acceptance of being left-handed (and I think we can all agree on how barbaric that is, right??).
Let’s talk about conditioning...
Conditioning happens when your innate nature is held hostage to external nurturing.
In other words, you experience conditioning when external forces shape your beliefs about who you are, what's acceptable, etc., and those beliefs are contradictory to who you are naturally.
When that happens, you do whatever it takes to fit in and align with those misguided beliefs because that's what you learned is acceptable. For introverts, that's when you begin to wear what I call the fake extrovert mask. You try to be more social, speak up, and join school or work events.
But the cost of doing that is high…
You reject your nature; you deny your inner guidance
You essentially swim in imposter complex your entire life
You routinely feel exhausted
You believe this is just the way things are, and there's nothing you can do about it ("It's an extrovert world, so suck it up and play along!")
When you play this game every day, a couple of things happen...
You struggle to find your purpose
It's challenging to live a joyful life of ease and freedom
And, when you feel there's no alternative and there are disadvantages to being introverted, guess what happens?
You make excuses for things you believe you "can't" do because you're an introvert (hello, conditioning!), but you subconsciously want to do, which keeps you on a hamster wheel where you feel stuck and resentful.
The introvert “excuses”…
Now, I've talked about introvert excuses on my blog already, but understanding that these excuses are rooted in the conditioning that tells you what you can't do, should do, etc., helps you to finally break through that glass ceiling that's preventing you from thriving.
These introvert-based excuses (i.e., "I can't network because I'm an introvert.", "I'm not good at getting to know people because I'm an introvert."; "I can't do videos/public speaking/etc. because I'm an introvert.") are projections of those external expectations.
Sometimes, they mirror what you learned you could or couldn't do. OR, you're resisting the directions to what you should or shouldn't do to tow the extrovert line. Either way, they're nothing more than stories an uninformed society fed you!
Because here's what's ACTUALLY true…
They just may need to do it in a different way than an extrovert.
For example, I used to HATE networking, and I thought it wasn't something I'd ever be able to do successfully because...wait for it... I'm a hardcore introvert. I believed that story for YEARS!
Eventually, I challenged that belief and played with the idea of networking in a way that felt good to ME! That allowed me to use my strengths even though I wasn't "working the room" or pushing myself on other people.
Now, I LOVE networking, and it's one of my successful practices for growing my business (if you want to learn how I did this, check out my masterclass for Impactful Networking for Introverts!)!
So, what’s the alternative?
To understand and accept introversion so you quietly thrive unapologetically you must challenge the condition-based stories you've always believed to be true.
You also have to stop the excuses that keep you out of discomfort because you believe you can't do something simply because you're an introvert! Once you challenge these beliefs, you open the door to a new reality. And this reality is one where you get to play and explore to see what DOES work for you!
If this is something you'd like support in doing, this is exactly what I do with my clients! Book your complimentary Introvert Awareness and Expansion Call, where we can explore how to work together to best suit your needs!